A beginning of Loving myself for who I am!
How do I begin? I mean my self esteem didn’t crumble yesterday, right? No it was a slow development that has made me an introvert when out in public with out those that truly know me. It has made me the person that is happy to be not seen, the wall flower that looks at everyone around her living happily in their own skin. Do you know any one like that? Well now you do. Hi, my name is Lissette or as you know me ~ The Book Fairy. I live vicariously through the books I read. I dream of the romances that flow through each and every page of all the books I read, content and saddened that I will never see that, that I will never be seen as those women that are so loved by the characters in the books.
Yeah I get teased that I live in a dream land, but what they fail to see is the inner pain that I carry. So let’s go to some what the begging of my down fall shall we?
As a kid I as always the chubby girl that still wore dresses in Junior High, and then in an attempt to fit in…. dressed like Madonna. Yeah I know, ridiculous, you can laugh but that was my small attempt at being seen. Then, I got to high school and began to lose some weight, and finally got noticed. But you see the insecure girl was still their, because their is always someone skinnier, prettier and more willing. So my insecurities grew, when the person that I thought I loved cheated, well they were validated.
Moving on now, I am 18 and met a Man older by 2 years, not yet really a man but some one that though I was to good for him. That made me soar, and when I got kicked out of my house for choosing him, I embraced him with everything. What I failed to see was how he was separating me from those I had grown up with. I wasn’t allowed to hang or speak to the people I was friends with in High school which were mostly male. Why? Well because to him, you can’t have male friends because, you know the saying they only all want one thing.
So slowly I lost those I was closest to. Then my family because they were the ones that disprove of him to begin with. So began my lonely life of 25 years with a partner that didn’t want to do anything with me, but criticized me at every turn for wanting to interact with others.
I began to see myself as not worthy, not pretty and fat. yeah those evil insecurities took hold and I turned them to myself. I pick at my face you see and have left scars that I never had as a child. I stay home and eat because going out means that I will spend money and I get reprimanded for it. When that happens I pick more and stay home more. The few times I do go out or away I take my kids. I have two, my son who is now 26 and my daughter who loves to remind me that she will be 18 in 7 months. They are the joys of my life. The ones that see mom as more than what I see in the mirror. The are my cheerleaders and my heart. You see admitting these things is hard, and as I write these feelings down with tears in my eyes, I remember that they see Mom as beautiful and love me for the woman I am with them~ Fun, Outgoing and bold. That is what I am teaching them to be, to learn from my downfall, my spiral and be more. They make me laugh, smile and bring me more pride than anything in life ever has.
So from mom saying that my feet are ugly and that I have small boobs and need to lose weight. To my life partner walking a few steps ahead of me, leaving me alone for 25 years, cheating and belittling me after we are intimate, came me. The woman that can only talk to those closest. The woman that only sees fat, frizzy hair and marks on her face. The woman that all though wants to be accepted by the women and blogger community and authors she has met, but is still painfully shy. The woman who at 46 is afraid of what comes next.
What comes next, you ask? Je Suis Prest, This means I am ready. I am ready to take charge of those things I have let define me. I am ready to take control of my body and get it back into shape. I am ready to get the painful laser hair removal done so that I can clear my face of the scar I have inflicted. I am ready to move forward with my life and be happy. I am ready to take you guys along with that journey, because you see, I need more voices to drown out the ones in my head telling me to believe all those from the past that have molded me. I need those voices to say that when I am tired I still need to go to the gym.
Je Suis Prest. This is the firs step. I don’t like to take pictures of myself, but here are the first ones. Pictures of myself getting laser treatments. Here goes…. Be kind guys!